Losing at love.. Fear!

Each day, my slave honors me with two rituals.  In the morning, it is the ritual of appreciation.  You will find more about that in this blog.   This morning, I didn’t notice the text, asking for my gift of domination.  So I called while on the way to work.  “I think you owe me a a question”, I started with.  There was a long pause.  A VERY long pause.  The call may have even dropped.  I just remember waiting for what seemed like an eternity for an answer.  Now if my slave no longer wants my gift, I would suck it up.  But the fear of no longer being wanted weighs on the mind of anyone who miss the touch, the laughter, the voice of another human being they have come to love.  So I dealt with this fear in a manner direct, honest, transparent, and Dominant.  I asked her.. Have you ever felt fear when you ask for my gift of Domination, and I didn’t answer right away?  Yes, she answered quickly.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

I know that a great relation revolves around the happiness you bring to others, not in your own neediness.  A person who sucks away at their beloved, is a vampire, a person who ultimately drains their beloved until there is nothing left to give.  It is when we give in love that we drink from an endless bounty.

Love beyond fear and need is limitless.  I know this and yet I also know that when you know that your beloved fears losing you, there is a sense of reassurance, a knowledge that they do not just love you, they would be lost without you.  So I did the kind, honest, transparent and Dominant thing.  Without making a big deal of it, I told Izrina.. I feel that fear sometimes too.  And then I dropped it.  It was brief, but in those six words, I know she would come to understand that I shared her need, and be comforted from her own fears.  The thought of that exchange has been buzzing through my mind all day.

I am a phoenix of Ds.  Many years ago, perhaps before some of you were born, a slave left me.  I had come to measure all that I was, by the power I demonstrated by my command over her and when she left me I was destroyed.  I started a slow cycle of self destructive habits that had they continued, would have surely killed me.  I burned and burned, until there was nothing left.  And then I rose again from the ashes to become a better Master.  I understand now that we can not measure our worth by a relation, but instead we must measure our value by what we bring to a relation.   With or without someone, we who have these gifts.. of trust and Domination, have great value.  We must not feed pride with this knowledge.  Rather, we must be reassured that the value we offer will create an opportunity with someone who sees this value.

The pain of loss is a truth that in honesty we can not deny.  Yes, we can take comfort in our value, but when we come to appreciate a touch, a look, a laugh, a voice in our every day, then we feel a need for this to continue.  And when a lover leaves us, by choice or death, it leaves a hole where something that used to bring joy used to be.  It is a reality that drags at the truth that we still have value.  Being happy sometimes is the hardest thing to do.  Yet it is also one of the easiest things to do.  Happiness is always just a change in focus away.  On one side, we have the reality of loss, and on the other, that we must be the captains of our own happiness, and own up to the responsibility of that.  Learning to find our happiness in adversity is a sure sign of spiritual growth.. or madness… could be either.  You can not keep the company of God and not seem a little insane at times.

Sobering reflections.  I had a moment of fear this morning and it reminded me of how blessed I am.  I reminded me that I must always strive for happiness.. with or without my dear canvas,  just as I would have her do.  It reminded me that I have work to do on myself, as well as with her.  I want her to be happy in the knowledge that even if she can not have my smile, I can not die.  I am not advanced enough to know what lies beyond the veil, but I know that we are all one with the source, part of the love we came from.  At difficult as it may be, facing this fear is something important.  There is much to be gained when we work on making our Love, stronger than our need.  Namaste, my dear Izrina.  Carpe Diem, my friends.

 

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