“How to be gay”, or a Master

So, where the hell did the title for this blog come from?  Let me peel back the skull cap for a  twisting, turning look at all the thoughts that lead up to this blog and its wildly inappropriate title. This is going to be a long one, so take a back seat and prepare to ask frequently and loudly…. ARE WE THERE YET???

It started with a picnic and a missed opportunity.  Not far from here a friend and fellow member of the house of FMB is giving a caning workshop along with a handful of other workshops.  It’s also a BBQ.  Sounds simply wonderful.  HE is known as Master Karl  Wish I had known in advance, so my slave could have gotten the day off.. though realistically that probably couldn’t happen.  Today is the love of leather picnic, and then Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday is a road trip… and you gotta leave some days open to earn the duckets.  So my thoughts turned to Master Karl and the times we have shared.


Master Karl – So many memories, so many good people.  When I think of Master Karl, I think of my contribution to the collaring of his slave. I was pleased he asked me to participate instead of witness..pleased and honored.  The time my whip ended up with him, and we each drove several miles to return it, then shared a meal.  I also think of an evening he and I sat outside FMB.  A young lady who was under his protection had requested a breast bondage and breast beating from me and I had happily  agreed, after checking with MK.   So we sat together and made sure all protocols were in order.  Master Karl gave her into my care, and passed along any specific concerns or requirements.  Then the young lady and I negotiated limits, safe words, safe signs, medical concerns, triggers, after care, and my next day sub drop requirements.  That last one was new to her.  I require an email the next day after a scene.  I may not be there if sub drop happens, but I need my partner to know that I will be available, at the other end of a communication.  If any drop at all happens, any sense of disconnection, they are to pour all of that emptiness and frustration into a communication to me and I would listen, confidentially of course.  The email is required even if no drop happens.  I feel it keeps a bottom grounded, connected, the day after.  She was taken back by this requirement  and Karl said something to the effect of.. Master X is one of the good ones.. He’s old school, not like most of the so called Dominants you will normally run into.  Can you say ego rush???  I knew you could.  When people say nice things about me the first thing I do is check that shit.  I got enough big, larger than life shit I carry around.  But thoughts of past exploits got me thinking…


My life has changed.  It may seem like I’ve gone off the rails so let me steer back into the reason for the title.  As I reflected on my past, all the times I did workshops, all the scenes, all the play partners, and I thought about how big Master Karl has gotten in the community, and I thought how much my own role in the community has changed.   I have shifted away from be a mad dungeon sadist and a presenter to a happy TPE owner.  I really am happy just being the “living with X” guy.    But I do miss the workshops, and the travel, and of course the fun of all that attention.  So I thought, what do I have to offer that isn’t already been filled by others?  The answer sadly is, nothing.   I really have nothing unique.  Rare perhaps, but not unique. I am not so much the showman of Sadism that I used to be.   I’ve shifted from Showman-Sadist to simple Property Owner.  So I began to think, how did all of this change start?


Stop the Carnival Ride, I want off! – There is something that happens when you become famous for a thing.  Its called the “carnival ride”.     A few years back, I was known as “the fire guy”.  Take a look at my Fire 101 article in my DSG group (You will need a Fetlife account).  It’s probably the most comprehensive fire guide you will find. – (There is that ego thing again)  Every where I went, someone wanted me to do their first fire scene, or loved the last one so much, they wanted another.  The lines were always long.  It didn’t leave a lot of time for my pet, and frankly I had turned into an amusement.  I had become the ride that everyone wanted to try.  Its why we call it being the “carnival ride”.    So I got greedy, and I stopped.  Greedy because I stopped sharing. Shadow Biker, a wonderful gentleman is now the fire guy for the house of FMB.   He is extremely generous, and he has always pointed to me and said, you are the Master, I learned from you.  I appreciate his acknowledgement that I started his training but he really he is the Master now.  He has his own style, and he is much loved for what he does.  With all of the scenes he’s done, and with how well he is known for fire now, no one is going to suspect that I might be as talented as he is… which is fine with me.  I made the decision to walk away and if I can’t throttle my ego back to go with that, then I shouldn’t have made the decision in the first place.   Shadow really, really is good at what he does and I’m happy for him.


What’s my kink? – So as I thought about getting back in the game, I thought about what I had to offer to the community.  I don’t really care about teaching people new ways to bring pain.  What I care about is being a Master, a property owner, a Dominant of value.  I care about protocols, rituals, and mindset.   Problem is, that doesn’t bring in the crowds like a good fire demo.  My last workshop was “collaring”.  It’s a lesson I feel very strongly about but it doesn’t have a large draw.  But the problem is, these things that form the foundation of a solid property/Owner relation.  They are not exciting.  I think a desire for TPE is less common than most people think.  Oh.. I don’t doubt that a lot of lip service is paid to TPE.. which IS my thing, but when you get down to brass tacks, when its really about listening, and thinking, and getting inside your slaves head, and breaking down barriers, and removing every obstacle that stands in the way of your slave being an extension of your will.. well, its just textbook theory and other boring stuff.  Plus, as I JUST observed in a comment on whose blog? Vile of course..  Some things you can’t teach.

The blog idea unfolds – You cant teach orientation –  Here is that connection to the title you have been waiting for.  Imagine I held a course entitled “How to be gay”.  First, the gay community would lose their minds, and second, I would blame no one for outrage because it really would be ridiculous.  So why do I think I can teach someone to be Dominant?   I often say, this is my orientation.  Much like being gay, I have always felt this way.  I don’t know if it was genetic, or upbringing, but I have always felt the need to find a person with whom I can connect with as few others have, on a level intensely deep and passionate, with none of the so called inevitable contempt breed by familiarity.  AND I want to do it as a property owner, to be large and in charge. Can I really teach that?

Do NOT abandon hope, ye who enter here! – To the question I just posed, I turn to the answer I provided earlier.  My version of extreme TPE or CNC may be rare but it is not unique.  What I have to share, is not for those already living it.  They know what it took to get there.  What I have to share, is for the real unicorns, the extremely rare.  Those people just starting out, who deeply desire to be an owner or property.  This is something I can coach on, something I can council to.  I think I need to form a OApT group.. Owners And property Together.   Like MAsT, but with a focus on TPE.  I said it a very long time ago and I still think  this.  The word Slave has lost some of its meaning.  A slave by definition IS TPE or CNC.  I don’t know why we debate this.  When you say owner and property, there is no ambiguity. I don’t really want to be known for my Sadism.  I would rather be known for my knowledge in TPE, as a Master, and a property owner.

There is a danger – Projecting myself as a guru of property ownership is not without its dangers, of course.  When you invest in an identity like that, people expect your relation to be perfect, since you are teaching about how to make it work.  There are others out there doing this.  Like MasterOsidian and his slave Namaste.   Their workshops are full of TPE “how to” advice.  They would be my gold standard for TPE workshops.  The danger is that if a TPE relationship grows apart, you can experience a terrible loss.  You can not be that close to another human being, then lose them, and not suffer.  But when this is also your public persona, an added element comes into play.  There will be public judgement, and that will make the failure ten times worse.  I am not sure any owner or slave is prepared for that kind of pain.

The end – And now I have come to the end of this long line of thinking.  I would rather be a Master than a sadist.  Power exchange is and always has always been my main thing, more than any other aspect of BDSM.  But I am also very aware of the consideration that should go into making that the thing you are or will be known for.   I am happy as a private property owner.  Do I really want to mess with that and get out there again?


One thought on ““How to be gay”, or a Master

  1. It’s a noble persuit to be a teacher or mentor. In being so, it allows you to revisit, reorganize, redefine all of that you know. You then consolidate and present to people in a way so they can understand your passion.

    Mom once told the kit long long time ago that for someone to master a subject, that person will go through 3 phases. First, the person will take notes on most important concepts, but not truly understanding them. As the person enters the next phase of learning, the concepts expand into millions of questions and answers and facts and theories. So when asked about his/her subject matter of interest, the person can go into great details. The audience, on the other hand would probably get completely lost in that forest of knowledge…

    Finally, something happend and allowed the person to reach an epiphany thus starting the final stage of mastering his/her subject. That is when the person can summarize all that he/she learned and present it to audiences in such way that people of any backgrounds can understand. So kit believe teaching/mentoring is the bridge between second and third phase and continues on to third phase…

    Ha! Now that kit’s mind is not so clouded with negative thoughts, kit can actually remember something useful and positive for once.

    Liked by 1 person

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