Checking my ego

If you follow this blog, you know that this evening was one I was really looking forward to.  I  had a rosy picture in my head of how wonderful it was going to be, when I was with my own kind.  Here’s the thing – – that doesn’t always work out the way the you think its going to.  We as a community tend to create a lot of drama.  There is always some head butting going on, and it often turns ugly.  Before you go jumping to any conclusions, be aware that I was in the wrong on this one.

Izrina didn’t really want to go, but I didn’t want to be without her, so I made her go.  She’s a good slave and does as she’s told.  Since she had to be up around 4 in the morning, my plan was to NOT run the meeting tonight, and duck out early.  But when I asked if anyone else would take the meeting, no one else wanted to moderate, so I hoped for an early evening. That rarely happens.  We tend to go long with these discussions, and with lots of passion.

So we pulled the sofas into a circle and everyone took a seat.  Since my slave was there just for me, I figured I’d have her sit at my feet and she could rest, not really participate.  Well there is a rule for these meetings, everyone must be on equal footing, no slaves on the floor.

Its a rule I have felt forces people to a position that they may or may not be comfortable with.  So when someone called me on it, and since I was moderating, I basically said, I don’t care.  Yeah, I know.  Not good.  No discussion on it, my slave, my rules, I just dismissed the rule without talking about it. Not good for a moderator.

Someone ducked out, and brought in someone to challenge me on this. On the surface of things, you would think its not a big deal.  You would think that being comfortable as who and what you are, is important for these kinds of meetings.  Well this is a discussion group, and this lead to a discussion, as you can well imagine.

Don’t allow appearing to have been wrong, to get in the way of actually being right. ~ Xtac Quote

So I was wrong and I’ll get into why in my next blog.  I don’t easily back down, but there were a number of well spoken reasons why that rule is in place, which I do have to agree with.  I am still having a loud and ugly argument inside my head.  I want to defend a persons right to be themselves in these things, but I also get the reasons that rule is in place. Sigh.

My poor slave is the one who has the most reason to be unhappy.  She was just doing as she was told and it resulted in her being in the middle of a controversy.  I wanted to shield her and instead by my decision, she was dragged into it.  Instead of having the pleasant evening with Master that I wanted for her, she got this.  Double sigh.

The snakes in my head were very unhappy that I was powerless to shield. Powerless and not shielding my slave do not sit well with me. It is in fact about as ugly a thing as I can face. Since she needed to sleep, and couldn’t be relaxing at my feet, I sent her to the car to nap while we continued the meeting.  Of course she obeyed.  She’s a good girl.  I have to tell you that continuing to moderate after that was, hmmm, interesting inside my head. Triple sigh.

Ah well.  I don’t generally like to talk about when I am not awesome.  Fortunately I am usually pretty awesome so this isn’t something i have to face too often.  The thing is, there are some lessons to be learned here and if passing along this story helps someone else,  then checking my ego for a blog or two is worth it.  More to come.

For now, I need my rest too. Its been a long week, and its challenged me at every turn.  Yet again, I can’t get a good nights sleep.  I promised someone I’d have breakfast with them, a few short hours from now.  Sometimes taking responsibility for your own happiness is a real freakin chore. I’m working on it.  Gotta practice what you preach.


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