One question that came up the other night was.. If you had the magical power to change one thing about BDSM, in general, what would that change be?
That conversation wandered about, and one person jokingly said that persons that were assholes would glow in the dark so we could keep better eye on them. Well that degenerated into which asshole would glow, meaning the whole body or just that certain part and everyone had a good chuckle.
I need to pause here to mention that what happens in these support groups are very confidential. What I am sharing here will contain no names and no hints. What I am sharing is a glimpse into how the discussion can go, and to continue the discussion on topics that are worthy of further, broader discussion.
Keep in mind this was an exercise in fantasy. No one has this magical power, so the possible changes can be endless. One suggestion was learners permits. That lead to a discussion of what education would be mandatory for the permit.
For this question, an old subject emerged. How many times have we discussed definitions? It can be hard to reach a negotiated understanding about say “proper dungeon etiquette” when something as simple as consent is still open to debate. “No means no” is one form of consent which can result in inappropriate touching before the “no!” is issued. Endlessly we debate what the words mean. We ask others to explain how these words identify us and others, and what we do. Some reject words all together, calling them labels, as if that brings clarity.
More and more the conversation began to coalesce around the need for a central way of exchanging ideas. We really do live in the tower of babble. The conversation however was going into what I would consider to be potentially dangerous territory. Not because having a “Websters dictionary for BDSM” or a “BDSM central authority”, wouldn’t have value – They would.
The problem with establishing a common core is a problem that I observe constantly in the structures of power all around us. This is the topic I wish to think about. The topic of bringing all BDSM terms and concepts into a standard that everyone understands, even if they don’t agree.
Why is it that even today, we want to elect kings? Oh, I don’t mean a king in title, but we all find our place in society and then we look to others to be smarter, more wise, and more charismatic. We look for those kinds of people to lead us. Certainly there are almost always people who come to solutions faster than we do. Certainly there are always people who bring wisdom to the table that we had not previously considered. I am grinning here. Some would manage such people, while others would be lead by such people. If you’ve ever managed someone smarter than yourself, you know that you had better be a damn good manager.
The problem with persons who do have great wisdom and knowledge is that they reach a point where they know so much, that they realize they don’t know anything. Put another way, their brilliance has lead them to a place of humility tempered by confidence in the value of their council. But that does not make such people indispensable.
We should all seek council. Nor should we necessarily choose our council wisely. “Out of the mouth of babes” is a phrase that tells us that if we are open to hear and think, often great council comes from unexpected places. What we need to seek from council are new, previously unconsidered options.
I am building up to a point. If we call for a central authority but great council comes from unexpected places, and if we call for the best leaders but the most brilliant among us has too much humility to prostitute themselves, we are left with the election of kings. Our goals may be noble but it is the worst elements that will win the challenge to be on top of the power structure that is created. If you don’t think politics is a dirty game, you have no real idea what is going on. Elections do not guarantee consent by the governed. As Joseph Stalin said, “it doesn’t matter how people vote, what matters is who counts the votes”. I would add, “where propaganda and public perception is controlled, there too, voting doesn’t really matter.”
We all want to believe that our greatest leaders were driven by a sense to serve, and had motives that were purely altruistic. I think otherwise. Even at the lowest levels, take police for example, I suspect that for most police their creed – “to protect and serve” has long been replaced by other motivations.
I am instantly suspicious of any person that seeks real power, power that cannot be contested, because I believe their personal motivations are far from altruistic ~ Xtac quote
What I am leading up to is that just like politics, each person who comes into power, regardless of what power structure we are speaking of, will seek to put their mark on things. Each person needs to carve out their place in history. People who stay true to an altruistic vision are often pushed aside by lesser people. Power climbers will do things that are best for their legacy, rather than what is best for the goal that was set for the organization. To be sure, power climbers know that what is best for their organization, is best for them. But these are calculating people and if a situation arises that furthers their ambitions, but is counter to the organizations objectives, they will seek to change the objectives rather than give up their ambitions. Organizations often end up with internal conflict because of the struggles between the grab for power, and the desire to hold onto a clear and altruistic vision.
I am not saying that I have all the answers. I know too much to say I know that I have the answers. Nor am I the sort to grab for power. I am too firmly grounded in my belief in the power of consent. I won’t even require those around me to call me Master X. I leave that decision to those I am associated with. Those who do honor me with that title, I appreciate deeply. I am no fool though. I know that a part of me craves that recognition, and the weight my council carries with such recognition.
No doubt that for some, this has been a boring blog so far. Hope I didn’t put you to sleep. If you have gotten this far, let me liven things up a bit with a bit of personal things, which actually do center around the subject of sleep.
Can’t live with em, can’t live without em. Its a bit of humor from our friends in love-hate relations. Strange that I don’t hear this said in the community. I told my slave that she has a similar problem, but with a little twist.
Can’t sleep with em, can’t sleep without em. That will take some explanation. I left her at home to go to the support group because she needed her sleep. But then because I wasn’t there she couldn’t sleep. When you tie yourself to a whirlwind, someone who is constantly going and going, then you tied yourself to their curious sleep habits. I will often get up at odd hours to write, or work. So she can’t sleep “with me” because I am often going when she needs rest. By the same token she can’t sleep without me. She has the most endearing quality of not sleeping well unless I am with her.
A curious power. I have a curious control over my slave. Things I shouldn’t be able to control, I can. So when I called late and found out she was still awake, I ordered her to sleep. I didn’t give it another thought. I am used to giving an order and just like that, what was not possible, now is. My control extends into areas I would say normally only exist for a hypnotist. So I fully expected her to fall straight to sleep after I hung up. Her voice had already changed from bright to drowsy.
I found out later that she did not get to sleep right away. I know with certainty that she would have slept if I had been there. The difference is that in person I can tell if I need to add more energy to the command. In person, I can tell more accurately if the command is received. Interesting. I will need to work on this.