Behavioral training – is it consensual?

Tonight, I wanted to write about training Dominants.  My slave changed my mind. So this is partly about training Dominants to be better at behavioral training, but also, its about how that training is or isn’t consensual.

Some things you can’t teach people.  I have seen very mousy people announce that they want to be a Master or a Mistress, and though a whip was placed in their hand, and stypes volunteered to be the instrument of their training, this was not always successful.

It is hard to teach a person to be confident, to stride into a room with the calm authority that projects that you own it, but not be so cocky that you set people off against you.  Charm, grace, humor, charisma.. ah charisma, a super power if ever there was one… these can be demonstrated, and even worked at, but they are subtle and difficult to create in one that does not already have them.

But my friends, the art of Domination is also a science. Yes, I know it sounds cold to say it this way, but that makes it no less true.  You can teach anyone about the motivations that are behind being a slave, and to identify slave desires and needs, and to feed that need until you become a Master yourself… or a better one.

As I was researching  I shared with my slave some of my thoughts and observations. The word brainwashing came up, and she was emotional.  Surely I would not condone something that removed consent?  Ah, I replied, it is no different than to be madly in Love.  Where does your consent go, when you have lost the ability to be rational about your love?   

But she had a point, and intelligent one as she always does, so this my dear canvas, is for you.  No, I would not remove your consent, but I have and will change what you like, and dislike.  I will change you to the degree that you will not want to remove consent.

Before we look at what behavioral training should be, let’s look at what it should not be.

The CIA is known to have tested mind control after some freedom of information requests leaked out their stuff. They spent millions over many decades.  When it became public, all records were ordered destroyed. Then they announced that forty years of research was wasted and had gotten no where. See MKULTRA

Similarly, another group tried to establish that brain washing was real.  It was part of an effort to control what the moonies and other cults were doing and that too was struck down as “not real”.  See APA Task Force

In other words, the government refuses to acknowledge that there may be tools to lower or remove a persons ability to revoke consent. But they do acknowledge the Stockholm Syndrome.   Now THAT is real.  How very odd… don’t you think?

That being said, the afore mentioned control methods where based on non-consensual behavior modification, something that is written into the bedrock of BDSM, as forbidden. Thank God the government says it doesn’t exist or we’d have problems, don’t you think?


Fear not all of you knowledge hungry, nerds with a pension for research, and an unquenchable thirst to be better at what you do (like me).

The BEST method is based on Adlerain Theory but I like to think it also incorporates some Reality therapy, which at the heart of it, is about realizing your real desires and needs and then strategizing to realize these goals. Put another way, BEST is about making sure you know that you want to be a slave, then helping you achieve it. Much better than non-consensual brainwashing, I would say.


This all brings me back to the notion that we Dominants need to be better at what we do by the collection of objective analytical data, which moves forward the processes we use now.  What we are doing now is talking in forums and support groups and learning by trial and error, and using gut instinct.  But don’t knock gut instinct.  Many sadists don’t know the science behind the concept of the endorphin lader, but that does not prevent them from doing it intuitively.

I packed a lot into this short post.  I did it with many, many links.  If you want to research my line of reason, follow the links.  I think this is one of the most comprehensive, well laid out arguments I’ve made to date, for better Dominant training.. of course I do.. I’m a Dtype, with a tip of the hat to that valuable property and asset I like to slave.  Sweet dreams my pet..Master still has work to do.



There is one true way

I am taking my biggest, pointiest stick out and poking the bear. No PC here!

It’s about science

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause, and one true way. But much like Santa Clause is real in the hearts of men, and therefore real, the one true way is real because there is an objective science behind what some might call the one twue way.

What an owner needs to do is reprogram the mind of a slave. There is a science to this. The military makes men in to property, but then adds to that thinking that they must not let down their team. A man will die for this.

Cults like the moonies take intelligent people and turn them into children. It is freedom in slavery. You get to play and not have a care in the world, while others make all your decisions.

Internalized Enslavement is an attempt to work at this science. Neuro linguistic programming is pretty much a pseudoscience, but it is an attempt at outlining a scientific foundation to the control of the mind.

Silly names and feelings

When we make fun of this science with silly names like “The one twue way” we are dismissing the whole idea that reprogramming without so much as a single intelligent exchange. Let me say that again, so it sinks in. You are dismissing important information we should share, by applying a silly and childish name, which if you think about it, makes you the silly and childish one.

I hate the term “the one twue way” and yet because it is more important to be intelligent than appear correct, I agree that there is no one true way. Not because there are not many wonderful tools in the tool box, there are. Like taking away a slaves name, talking in 3rd person, enforcing protocols, and slave diaries. These are all great tools but they are not part of a one twue way. They are tools of a science we apply. We take them out, and see if they fit the individual we are working with. Giving silly names to a search for the science behind reprogramming is childish and destructive to the science. Some people aren’t intelligent enough and bold enough to stand up to a withering public attack and stand by the value of objectively experimenting, making discoveries, and sharing that knowledge to further us all. Don’t be that person. If you have techniques to share, do it!


Touch feeley PC

Is every person an individual? Well yes and no. I don’t care to hear one word about how each person is different and how we must not apply generalities. If you are thinking THAT, then reread this: We take them out (the tools of reprogramming), and see if they fit the individual we are working with.

If we as Masters, Mistresses, and owners are EVER going to advance what we do, we can not get caught up in the touchy, feeley, PC world of avoiding discussing the commonalities of motivations, and corrective mind reprogramming. Show some vagina for God’s sake.. or balls, and stand up what you have found that works.


Is the objective wrong?

The objective is to help our self identified slaves find peace, comfort, and happiness in the role they have consented to. When we do this, when we manage the mind of a slave instead of the body, we tamper with consent. Like Stockholm syndrome we create a situation where the consent may no longer be viable. The same could be said of falling madly in love. I cannot decide for you, your ethics or morals, but for me, I want this power exchange to get ever more intense, more consenting, and more pleasurable for both of us. I’m good with this objective.


Reaching your objective – the happy slave

To reach your objective, a happy consensual, slave, you MUST manage the mind not the body. The mind is capable of incredible things. It can create pain or take it away. It can crate health, or take it away. When you are in control of another person’s will, and you extend your control into their mind, you can change their likes and dislikes.

To do this, you must use the one twue way. What is the one twue way? Its a collection of techniques that we the Masters, Mistresses, and Owners have tried, objectively and scientifically. We observed our successes, and our failures, and we shared those principles. Collectively we are the one true way, the people in search of the tools that work generally, and specifically for the slave we are training now.

I must point out that switches are a category by themselves.  Additionally, reprogramming a mind may take place with or without consent.  Largely though, when we talk about reprogramming, we are talking about a CNC or TPE relation.



If we are going to talk objectively about techniques and tools that helped change a mindset, the most logical starting point is to identify those areas that exist and which we would like to eliminate, change, or replace.  This is a brief list:


  • Diminish entitlement
  • Feed the new identity
  • Improve obedience
  • Remove rights and responsibilities
  • Replacing individuality and identity

The nilla society at large, creates a sense of entitlement.  Years of exposure to this leaves us with an area that may need to be addressed.

The nilla identity, with all of its me, mine, ours, thinking is another area that might be something you want to change.  As the slave drifts closer and closer to becoming an extension of your will, a fear and a void often appear. You need to comfort the slave, and feed reassurance into the new identity.

Obedience is complicated.  We don’t want a robot. Robots don’t have brains.  A brain is a valuable asset to be leveraged.  Complete compliance to a careless order could lead to disastrous results, including property damage.  While we want techniques and tools that create instant unquestioned obedience, we also want there to be safe guards against mistakes and poor communication, and that leverage a valuable asset, the slave’s intelligence.

Rights and responsibilities.  These go hand in hand.  With the removal of rights, should come a freedom, a joy, in the loss of responsibilities.  Tools and techniques to achieve both objectives are useful and should be shared.

Replacing individuality.  As you remove the old identity, you must feed the new.  There are tools and techniques that assist in deconstructing the old identity.  But it is not just about removing the old identity, it is about replacing it with the new.  There is a duality to this process.  We want the slave to just be an object, a slave, a tool, an extension of the Master’s will.  But they also need to feel they belong, attached, special.  The right tools and techniques go a long way to doing both.


Be an activist, for what is true, what works

I believe in support groups for owners and slaves, and I believe that owners need to share their techniques.  I suspect the various military of the world have spent billions on studies and that we are merely amateurs.  The improvement of these techniques should be important.  We should work together to advance our knowledge, to share it, and to catalog that knowledge.


My Canvas

This is what I do with my slave, my canvas, the Master piece on which I create a happier, healthier, more secure person, who is also my perfect slave.  I don’t have to be an activist, but I think its better to share, than hoard the joy I’ve found.






Dinner, on her knees

I was thinking, do I want to skip writing tonight? What do I have to write about? What pleased me, in a BDSM way today. I thought of Dinner, served with her protocols, and I thought, this pleased me, I should talk about that.

I love imposing structure and protocols. I love when my slave dutifully follows her protocols. Tonight, as she served me, she dropped to her knees in high protocol fashion, the offering held just so. I often pause when served, admiring her and making her wait a bit longer before I accept the food or drink. Tonight was no exception. I made her wait, a broad grin breaking out on my face that was matched by hers. She knows when I am thinking sadistic thoughts now, and anticipates what form they may take.

I took the vitamins, and other things she presents to keep me healthy, one at a time. And then I took her face, pulled it close to mine and whispered how pleased I was, what a good girl she was. Her grin was replaced by the melting slave in love kind of thing she does when she is practically purring like a kitten, and I thought how really, really, good life is. I thought how radiant she was in her happy place. Now nothing happened. She was just serving supper. And yet somehow everything that means anything, happened in huge ways in that little teeny weeny moment.

She on her knees, not sucking cock or even worshiping it, just being the slave she is and I being the Master I am was fulfillment enough in some intangibly wonderful way. Its why I talk about uncommon currency because within our dynamic uncommon currency is very common, and it warms both of us.

In the moments that followed, she got her own meal, and waited for permission to start eating, another of her protocols. I really love all of the structure, the protocols, and how they constantly present opportunities for us to reaffirm who and what we are. I never seem to tire of these simple pleasures. It was just another simple evening made happy by the dynamic of two people, living the BDSM dream. I for one, am very pleased with my Good Girl.

I’ll tell you what a slave is

I read these two comments recently on Fetlife:

A blog is just one person’s point of view and may not be wise to follow. Blogs are equal to online public journals. Usually has very limited educational value, nor may be even possible to do.

Well.. I don’t take the random pontificating of internet blogs very seriously.

Awesome!  I agree.  In a blog I get to say what I think and not water down my feelings into pablum so that I can meet the approval of the masses.  Who ever said the masses are right?  Not me! Time to pontificate. I am feeling like poking the bear.  I have a slave. I have friends with slaves.  I think I have a fair idea what makes them slaves.  We have decades of warm feeling wrapped around this knowledge.  We all have some knowledge of legal slaves.  Like the war captured sex slaves of the middle east.  So here we go..

What is a legal slave:  A slave is property, as defined by the laws of the land the slave is held in, and like any other property it has no rights, that are not granted by those laws.  Its sole purpose is to work for its owner, and to please its owner. 

If legal, the property known as a slave may be damaged by the owner.

The obedience of the legal slave is determined by fear and intimidation and the knowledge that the laws of the land provide no recourse, no path to freedom.

What is a consensual slave: A consensual slave is a person who, for their personal needs and happiness,  makes the choice to exchange power with an owner, and then to the best of their ability demonstrates in their every action and decision, a single minded determination to be obedient to the degree that a legal slave would be, but do it as a natural consensual slave.

The first responsibility of the consensual slave is to “protect the property”, even if that means disobedience to the owner.

The obedience of a consensual slave is driven by their “natural slave personality”, and the attraction they feel towards the power and skill of the Master they choose.  The Master crafts this by managing the mind, not the body, of the slave.

  What is a natural slave?:  Over 2,000 years ago, the great Greek philosopher Aristotle, thought that slavery was a natural thing. He never provided a method of determining IF a person was a natural slave, but that did not stop him from arguing that if the world was just, legal slaves would be freed, and natural slaves would not. In essence, he was setting the stage for consensual slavery some 2,400 years ago. (Aristotle -384–322 BC). 

We may infer that all consensual slaves, are natural slaves, by their desires and needs.  Aristotle had a low opinion of natural slaves, seeing them more as cattle then people, but  we must remember that his legal system would have treated them as such.  I think that part of his thinking we can quickly dispense with.


When a Master loses their temper

Absolute power corrupts absolutely -It has been said that absolute power corrupts absolutely.  You may think that being a Master is all you need to get everything you desire from another human being but human beings are funny things.  A person may say they will give you absolute control over everything but their right to continue to consent, doesn’t mean they will.  It doesn’t really work that way.  There can be children and ex-spouses, and old significant others, and finances, and deeply held religious beliefs to navigate.  There can be feelings about sexual acts, humiliation, privacy, planning, micromanagement and a million other things people want to retain some level of control over. Consensual slaves need to be happy, or consent is revoked.

That being said, being an owner of consensual property is a huge rush.  The sense of power is quite delicious for those who appreciate such things.  When a Master wants something that the slave does not, a skilled owner brings to bear a number of people skills to reshape that resistance.  But skilled or not, the sense of power can create the desire to just be done with it, to order a thing rather than work at it.  It comes down to just getting your way, or managing happiness.   The sense of power can go to your head.  If you do this, you have dropped all pretense of being a real Master, and you have lost control. You must ever be mindful to manage the mind, not the body of the slave. ( you can quote me ).

Losing control-You should know when you have lost control.  When you lose your temper, you have lost all control.   You have lost control when you turn to intimidation over persuasion and charm.  You have lost control when you think, how do I make her do this instead of how do I make her like this?  You have lost control, when you walk away from your side of the dynamic.  You have lost control when you give credence to the notion you can not be depended on to stay in charge.  You have lost control when misbehavior results in the slave getting their way.  You have lost control if you always respond to a problem by getting more involved and this is used to control you. Visa-versa, walking away from issues instead of getting more involved should displease you (control freaks want control). The worst of these though is losing your temper. Without a calm and clear head, you cannot observe all the other areas and considerations of control.

Why would you do that? – The buck stops here!  If you are in control, act like it. Take responsibility for your decisions and your people skills.  Failure is a sign of effort. Any effort by a slave means you have something to work with.  Nudge those failures into learning experiences.

When consent is lost – When consent is lost, you have lost a different kind of control but even that can be managed with a cool head. If you face this issue, the first thing to do is stay in your role and wait. Staying in your role and waiting is putting control on hold, not losing it.   Just because your stype is not staying in their role is no reason for you to stop too.  Stay and wait for them to return.  Calculate your response for that time.  Make it unpleasant, but in a way that heaps on self directed embarrassment and shame rather than punishment.  Make them punish themselves for leaving the role.  Its your job to craft the mind set so love your role or leave it.  Don’t keep your slave in service to a part time owner.  Let go if you can’t or aren’t going to step up.

I hate that I am starting to hate titles

Sub vs Slave

What is the value of a word if that word has no value until the person using it personally defines it? Welcome to the complex world of subs and slaves. ~Xtac Quote


I am NOT going to discuss the difference between a sub and a slave.  What I am going to do is point out that no clear definition exists.  There is no governing body for BDSM.  No one can issue an edict, declaring this is what we mean.

There are some that just hate these terms, or “labels”.  I am not one of those people.  My slave is a slave.  We understand what that means.  It works for us and we are happy.  I would love to just say, this is what a slave is.  Really.  I have strong feelings about what it means to me.

In a funny way, I too have come to hate the labels of sub and slave.  Not because I don’t love a submissive person.  Not because I don’t have a deep an abiding passion for the incredible commitment to obedience that comes of a slave.  Not that I don’t think there are “true” slaves out there.  I have come to loathe these terms because in the effort to personalize them, to make them our own, to say what they mean to us personally, they have lost all meaning.

The great Greek philosopher Aristotle, thought that slavery was a natural thing. He never provided a method of determining IF a person was a natural slave, but that did not stop him from arguing that if the world was just, legal slaves would be freed, and natural slaves would not. In essence, he was setting the stage for consensual slavery some 2,400 years ago. (Aristotle -384–322 BC).

The desire, the need, the natural inclination to be in service has long been recognized.  What makes a person a slave though begins a slippery slope of endless debate. I don’t care to start that debate again, here.  Some definitions are a fools errand.  I am tiring of this discussion.

Its a shame really.  We all know that the desire to serve comes in varying degrees and that some definition should separate those at the lower level from those at the higher,   but we also will never agree on definitions. As I am typing this, I am thinking, someone somewhere will argue with me on that last “lower/higher”level comment.  The thought makes me what to just scream: “Oh for the love of God just shut up!”   Just because you don’t want to be put on a lower or higher level, to be placed in some “horrible category by my words” does not make the statement untrue.  For some it IS a gentle desire, and for others it is NOT a lifestyle choice, it is their orientation, a very strong need.  I can’t budge on that one. People ARE different, and their level of desire for this is real consideration.

Is it disrespectful to label you? Yes! But it is equally hurtful and disrespectful to say to a person who has self identified for 30 years, who has decades of friendships and warm memories of being a slave, to tell this person to rethink how you describe those 30 years!  Or a Master.  Or a Mistress.  I understand that we all just want to get along, but I angers me to see loving, hard core people bite their tongue because they are better, respectful people who Do want to get along.

I find the titles, or labels if you prefer, of sub, slave, Master, Mistress,  to all be a warmly loved thing.  I like subs.  They are lovable and often cute.  Slaves feed my deeper needs. My property is a slave. She wears this proudly.  She demonstrates this in her every action. What makes her a slave for me is her single minded determination to be obedient to the degree that a legal slave would be, but do it as a natural consensual slave.  It warms both of us, to be Master and slave.  I don’t want to argue about what that means, I want to bask in it, and share the warmth.  I want to be able to tell the world, this works for us, and it has meaning.  This is what a Master and slave should be.  Sigh.  I hate that I am starting to hate titles.

Have a nice day!

Have a nice day!   This is just one of the many platitude people throw at you every day.  There are so many. Since I enjoy being a social sadist from time to time, I love to have fun with these.

Joe! How are you?  Just hand me a loaded gun why don’t you?  Throw this at me and I will insist on telling you in great details how things are.. my bills, my job, my family, my health..  Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t really want to know?  Then why ask?

Good Morning!  My reply?  Good morning yourself and see how you like it! I might as well have lobsters in my ears, the dumb looks I get.. Its unexpected and the brain refuses to process such things so early in the morning.. but is sounded rude.  Ummmm what did you just say to me?

Cashiers-That will be $37.55 sir.  OK.. its not fair to play with people whose company told them to ask me if I found everything I was looking for, but come on.  I just grin sometimes.  But the dollar amount.. hmmm  I often try to negotiate.. Is that your final offer?  Seems high. Can you come down a bit?  Sometimes an overworked person smiles.

All of that aside, I don’t believe in “having” a nice day.  I am going to make a great freakin day dammit!  Perspective is everything.  Two people can go to a sporting event or theater together and one will love it and one will hate it.  Was it the event or play that “made” a person hate or love it?  No.  Two people, same event, two outcomes.  It was their choice.  We can’t let things “make” us happy or sad, we need to take responsibility for our happiness.  We need to “make” us, not something outside of us, “make us”. I try to never say, that “makes me”.

This is a key I think to great relationships.  Too often we look for someone to complete us, to fill what is missing, to “make” us happy.  No one wants to be with the unhappy person in the corner of the party.  But find your happiness, be the life of the party and suddenly you are surrounded.  Likewise, find a full and complete life, and suddenly people take notice, people are attracted to you that never were before.

Too often, in relationships there is the lover and beloved.  Instead of two people with full lives coming together to make bigger and grander happiness, one eats at the other. The lover sucks their happiness from their beloved, bringing both down in the process eventually.  There is a grand quote from the Ballad of the Sad Cafe that I will tack at the end of this about unrequited love that mentions this.  It is a bit long, but it has thoughts worth mulling.

Where am I going with this?  To one simple point.  Don’t have a nice day, Be someone’s nice day.  Each day that we set out with the intention to be a force for good, to make someone somewhere smile, to be the instrument of someone’s nice day.. well that more or less guarantees your own nice day.  For stypes, you can think of it as service to the universe.  For Dtypes its an opportunity to rise above, to lead people to a better place, and hone your people skills.  And if you have a touch of social sadist in you, well.. comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.. its all good fun.  Now go, and

Be someone’s nice day!


The Ballad of the Sad Café – Carson McCullers – unrequited love

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.”

Well that was cheery.. not. Take some simple advice.  Set out each day to be the instrument of someone’s nice day, and see if this doesn’t pay dividends.  It’s the easiest way to take responsibility for your happiness, to let you “make” you, and not something else.  Make a full life for yourself, and you become the center of peoples affection, without doing anything more than taking responsibility for your own happiness.




I have wondered what it might be like to be less physically capable, and still be a Dominant.  I’ve wondered what kind of woman would bind herself to an elderly man that she would have to care for.  I am going to answer that question with two videos.


If you have not seen this before, you should.  It is incredibly inspirational.  It is called The Butterfly Circus.

I turn to this video from time to time for inspiration.  I shared it recently and afterwards stumbled on some new video.  This man gives me hope that I can always be the Dominant I need to be, with a slave that is fulfilled in her service, no matter what the future brings. Time will tell, but I think I have found that slave already.

The Egg

This video speaks to me of my higher purpose, what I have to give that is beyond my fail human form.  I dare to say, I am awake.. and it gives me a chance to better the lives of those I touch.. and especially those those I draw close to me.

I have long observed that the attraction in BDSM creates some odd looking couples.  You’ve  seen or heard of a couple where one or the other is described as “being out of their league”.  Sometimes an incredibly attractive man or woman is seen to be in love with someone quite plain, and you wonder if it can last.  I see this often in BDSM, and I completely understand why it happens.  MY attraction is not to a breast or an ass or a face but to a softly cooed “Sir” or “Master”.  I get hard fast when there is submission.  Much faster than mere nudity.

These things that form the basis of our attraction runs much deeper than looks and thankfully is never dulled by age or disability.  What makes a Dominant are the qualities of their character.  The honor, the honesty, the dependability, the patience, and the inflexible commitment to see through the sacred role they undertake.

Some slaves on a spiritual level, and are more awake.  Sometimes the Master is further ahead on their spiritual quest.  The spiritual side doesn’t matter.  That part always works out because you will serve each other.

You know a Dominant when you meet one, by the attraction you feel.  You feel their presence, the power and confidence they project, the soft easy charisma.  A Dominant will laugh at themselves, and at you in a way that disarms.  They have the ability lead and serve those they lead.  They demonstrate intelligence without being condescending or cocky.

In short, a Dominant is likable and disarming and yet intimidating, that strange attractive mix that makes you want to know more.  This is what it means to be Dominant.

Some argue that submission does not take strength. It does. Dominance does not require strength. It requires the gentle patience to apply irresistible force to the strength of that submission, until it bends comfortably, happily, to your will. ~Xtac Quote


My point is, BDSM truly is a home for the heart, like no other.  Here we are more than our bodies and our face.  I am a Dominant to my slave because of all the countless beautiful little interactions we exchange as Master and slave everyday.  Here we are who we are and are loved more deeply for who we are, than can be imagined.  No boundaries, no personal space, no cages for the heart, its a raw connection that just goes deeper and deeper.  I wonder.  How long a person can fall deeper every day, in love.  Guess we’ll find out a little more each day.


I wrote to a slave yesterday and as is my way, I asked if I needed to obtain permission from her Master to speak with her, or if she did.  She replied:  “Sir – to talk … requires only respect on my part.”   I have strong convictions about the subject, so let’s talk about that tonight… even though there is a storm brewing that I want to dig into.  I want to collect more information about the recent decision in the US that we have no constitution right to engage in consensual BDSM sex, before commenting.  So on to the topic of respect.

I like to imagine that if royalty, say a Queen, were speaking with a dirty, half clothed, person with low intelligence and poor hygiene, she would be gracious and respectful.  Not because they are on equal stations – they are not.  Not because the person deserved respect, the Queen could hardly know this.  The Queen would should show respect because this is what civilized people do.  Showing respect is not a measure of the person it is shown to, it is a measure of yourself, of the culture and refinement that YOU possess.

I have often heard of Dominants demanding respect from slaves after identifying themselves as a Dominant.  I don’t have a problem with that.  I don’t have a problem with a slave demanding respect either.  We all walk in as equals.  To place ourselves above or below another is something we consent to.  But respect has nothing to do with power or consent.

I need to go back to the Dominants who make demands.  If a Dominant demands submission, or trust, or recognition of authority, that is an entirely different matter.   I think sometimes people say: This person demanded that I respect them, when what they meant was, this person demanded that I recognize their title and authority.  Those are two entirely different matters.  If  you have read or heard me much, you can anticipate the quote that is coming next:

The only titles of value are those acquired thru recognition by others. One claims that title by exercising that recognition, not asserting it. ~Xtac Quote

I do not believe in asserting that you are a Master.  If you own property, you are THEIR Master. If people choose to call you a Master, then you have achieved a new level of respect.  Which means that there is respect that we give because of who we are, and respect we give because someone has demonstrated to us their worthiness to be respected.  It think the distinction is important.  When we respect another, it is good to consciously consider which one we are giving.

There was a person who came into the local community some time ago, and though they were new, they declared themselves to be a Master in the dungeon I frequented at the time.   There was a stairwell, not far from the play space, and asked him aside for a private conversation. I explained what I thought… direct as always..

I suggested that perhaps later might be a better time to project himself as a Master.  But this person was insistent that they were worthy, and would prove themselves.

The person of whom I speak, ran afoul of the local community later, not for the Master thing but consent violation charges.  This kind of thing tends to pull a community apart.   I relate this because I believe that to be worthy of a title like Master, you must also have a certain degree of humility, a willingness to earn recognition.  I will always assert this concept.

Respect should be something we give, until it is lost.   But we can also have new found respect, a deeper and more genuine respect that is earned.  Don’t say respect, when you mean authority, it confuses things.  Authority is consented to.  Anyone attempting to assert authority based on their perceived title should lose your respect.

Honesty is the building blocks of a BDSM relation.  Since it is what people do that reveals their honesty, it takes time to build trust.  Trust is earned through the demonstration of honesty.   These are the basic values we should understand and apply.  On a side note, because I know these things, it is why I promote the concept of three collars, and a collaring ceremony.  This process allows time for trust to be built, and stages at which a person can choose to move to a deeper commitment, or back out.

Respect is not always desirable.  For a person who seeks humiliation and objectification, respect would be poisonous.   For such a person, once you learn of their need and have acquired consent, you would want to drop any hint of respect.

What role does respect play in BDSM?  Since respect given is a reflection of the grace, culture, and sophistication of the person who gives it, I would say that when you observe it in a prospective partner, mentor, or friend, it is a good sign.  A sign that says, investigate this person more thoroughly.

I am offended

If a tree falls in the woods doe it make a sound?  There is a science that boarders on philosophy and religion that says a thing is neither black nor white until it is observed. If that is correct, then the answer is no.

More importantly, if observation creates reality, how much of the reality we see around us is created by the desire to see what we want to see?   And why am I asking these questions?  I had a conversation with an activist who directed quite a bit of micro-aggression at me.  It has caused me to do quite a bit of thinking.

Not too terribly long ago in  a BDSM support group for Afro-Americans*, I used the term Orientals.  I had not gotten the memo that this was politically incorrect now.  It makes sense though.  Americans hail from America.  Africans from Africa.  Europeans from Europe.  Australians from Australia.  People from Asia probably shouldn’t be called anything but Asians.

.*The group mentioned in paragraph three was the “The Dark Lair”, lead by SirGuy of NYC, and this was a wonderful experience.  Let me also give a shout out to SirGuy who is a hell of a great person. If you are near the NYC area, I strongly recommend attending Dark Lair workshops that are open to you.  I definitely learned quite a bit and was made to feel quite comfortable even with my gaff.   Their Fetlife page refers to the group as primarily for blacks and people of color.  So I should have just said black.  But for the last twenty years I have been trained to say Afro-American and now I carry a fear of saying the wrong thing.  I am constantly trying so hard to not be judged as prejudice that is boarders on uncomfortable and so it makes me doubly upsetting therefore when I am accused of being insensitive.  Maybe I should just stop trying, stop caring, and go with what i know is in my heart, assuming that if someone is going to hate me, they are going to no matter how hard I try or what I say.

If Martin Luther King were alive today, he might quite famously say:  People should be judged by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin, or their gender, or their age, or their sexual orientation. I don’t like feeling that I might be treated as a  prejudice idiot because I don’t know the language.  I hate walking on egg shells and there are so many strewn about these days.  Ageism, sexism, racism, the list goes on and on.

There is a concept that I feel is being lost and its this:  Though I may disagree with you and possibility even be deeply offended by what you say, I will defend to the death your right to say it.  At one time this might have included “hate speech” but no longer.  We are creating categories of speech and thought that are not permitted and its dangerous territory because there are so many activists whose reality sees some speech and thought as too dangerous to be allowed.  The important question becomes, who gets to decide this?  If I think something is wrong, of course I think THAT needs to be shut down but if its my personal area of offensive activism, then I don’t want MY speech and thought to be limited.

My area of activism is consent and BDSM.   The funny thing is, even in my own camp with my own kind, I will be at odds with some people that will disagree with my conclusions or think differently about what changes should be made.  Even in your own camp there is always some discord.  Some days I just want to move to Alaska with my slave, and spend my days working hard to sustain us, and my nights in ecstasy.  Or maybe Canada.  Nobody I know hates the Canadians. Oh wait, they are from the American continent, which makes them Americans too, right?  Ow! My head hurts now.

If you don’t think ideas are dangerous, make a list of words ending in “ism”. Every “ism” has followers willing to bitterly fight and possibly die over words. ~ Xtac Quote

What people do reveals what they really think and feel. Even if we do not ignore the words and do not observe actions consciously, we still know this instinctively. This is why trust takes so long. ~Xtac Quote